Mixed Emotions

I ask myself these questions from time to time now.  How does one celebrate for one child and still continue to mourn the loss of another child?  Can I be still be happy for the one I still have here with me?  Will this sadness linger on forever?

Not only am I hurting mentally but I am physically and spiritually.  You would think that I would have all this under control.  I have had so many mixed emotions from the time Brandon and Brently were born but I never dreamed life could take so many drastic turns.  What I mean by this is that there have been such hard decisions that I have had to make that I had to pray about because I, myself could not make these type decisions alone. I still to this day struggle with knowing if I made/make the right ones. It is a constant battle.  If I didn’t have my faith then I have no idea where or what I’d do.  God has been my refuge and strength through many years of joys and struggles.  What I have learned through this life so far is that although I have many pity parties, I’m not alone.  I have a wonderful life with some of the most courageous and NEVER giving up no matter what, beautiful, smiling through the pain,  handsome little boys and a loving husband that cares for me in all that I do. It is now coming up on the  one year anniversary of Brandon’s death and as I look back on Brandon’s life,  and the accomplishments he made, he was none other than one miracle after another.  When a doctor looks at you and says ” God can’t even help this child & he will amount to nothing and will not even live to see the age of 5 years old”, and to answer that….my thoughts are… when FAITH steps in and says “with childlike trust, hold out your hand. Simply believing salvation’s plan”.  That my friends, is what I have been experiencing since 1998. With all the hurt and frustration and anger and guilt, there is more to life than that.  I have a God that brings me joy and peace and love and knowing that He supplies my every need in His timing and not my own,  I will continue to have mixed emotions about certain things because I am human but daily reminding myself that God has got this is what it’s all about really and just knowing He is in control no matter the outcome.  I am blessed! God is good! My children are a gift from God no matter what anyone thinks or says! I praise Him in the midst of it all! 

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