Mixed Emotions

I ask myself these questions from time to time now.  How does one celebrate for one child and still continue to mourn the loss of another child?  Can I be still be happy for the one I still have here with me?  Will this sadness linger on forever?

Not only am I hurting mentally but I am physically and spiritually.  You would think that I would have all this under control.  I have had so many mixed emotions from the time Brandon and Brently were born but I never dreamed life could take so many drastic turns.  What I mean by this is that there have been such hard decisions that I have had to make that I had to pray about because I, myself could not make these type decisions alone. I still to this day struggle with knowing if I made/make the right ones. It is a constant battle.  If I didn’t have my faith then I have no idea where or what I’d do.  God has been my refuge and strength through many years of joys and struggles.  What I have learned through this life so far is that although I have many pity parties, I’m not alone.  I have a wonderful life with some of the most courageous and NEVER giving up no matter what, beautiful, smiling through the pain,  handsome little boys and a loving husband that cares for me in all that I do. It is now coming up on the  one year anniversary of Brandon’s death and as I look back on Brandon’s life,  and the accomplishments he made, he was none other than one miracle after another.  When a doctor looks at you and says ” God can’t even help this child & he will amount to nothing and will not even live to see the age of 5 years old”, and to answer that….my thoughts are… when FAITH steps in and says “with childlike trust, hold out your hand. Simply believing salvation’s plan”.  That my friends, is what I have been experiencing since 1998. With all the hurt and frustration and anger and guilt, there is more to life than that.  I have a God that brings me joy and peace and love and knowing that He supplies my every need in His timing and not my own,  I will continue to have mixed emotions about certain things because I am human but daily reminding myself that God has got this is what it’s all about really and just knowing He is in control no matter the outcome.  I am blessed! God is good! My children are a gift from God no matter what anyone thinks or says! I praise Him in the midst of it all! 

About Tonya Aycock

Hi, my name is Tonya. I am a wife and mom of two children (Brandon & Brently). I am a born again Christian. My passion is raising awareness for my boys and making sure they have the very best that I can give them. I love singing. I was in a Southern Gospel Group for about three years, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I think most of all, besides the singing, I enjoyed meeting people and sharing my testimony of how God has brought me through. I love playing guitar and hearing my sweet husband play music and sing to our boys. I enjoy making crafts and designing floral arrangements. I love camping. I am always up for a new adventure! I enjoy working in my yard and anything outdoors. I love my home. I like taking pictures of God’s beautiful creation. The hummingbirds, Canadian geese, turtles, and deer are beautiful! I never dreamed that I would enjoy the country as much as I do. I have always been a city kind of girl, so let’s just say I am adjusting to the country's life well. Haha! Another exciting thing about my husband and myself is that we have always wanted to open a restaurant. Maybe one day… who knows…. I created this blog to share the in’s and out’s of daily living of being a mom of children with special needs, how life can change in an instant, losing a child, finding real friendships that live the same kind of life that I do that truly understand, and much more. I love to talk about my faith as I learn how to cope through life (good and bad) together. I want to always put complete control in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, because without Him, I am nothing. My prayer is that I can somehow help someone by sharing my story. It is most definitely easier said than done, and I fail daily, but striving to make things work in a world that doesn’t understand is just one of the reasons I am here, writing and sharing my story and trying to be the best me as I can and being the best mother that my children will love and respect and see me survive and thrive as I watch them surviving two thriving in life. But, most of all that they see Jesus in me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 God has a plan for my life and my family as well and for who is reading this right now. I can only hope and pray that I am doing what He has called me to do…… Being a wife, mom, advocate of special needs, a friend, encourager, but most of all… a servant of His. This has been and continues to be a unique life raising my SuPeR HeRo children dancing in the rain of the beautiful, messy life!
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