Tonight, I sit here thinking of all the what if’s, what could have been’s, and I don’t know why I allow my mind to go in that direction. Brent is 15 years old. He should have a permit and learning how to drive. He should have friend’s over spending the night, coming and going and having a busy schedule of some kind.
Well, he does have a busy schedule. It’s just one that involve’s Doctor’s visit’s (non-stop), physical, occupation, speech therapy every week (which is great). He needs that so much! It’s a constant process and can get so overwhelming at times. I guess I am just brokenhearted to a point of not being able to experience what life could have been if Brent were to be healthy. It’s a part of the depression that I go through. I am not ashamed to say that YES I do suffer with depression. It can completely tear you down into the darkest pit and suffocate the life out of you little by little. It is no fun by any means. It is hard on me and my husband and family as well. But, as I have walked through many trials in this lifetime, I am reminded that God sees all and hears all and He hears my cry when I call out to Him. Being a mom of children with special needs is a road that I never dreamed I would walk down. It happened and I am so glad that it did. I joke all the time about living “in the valley” but it’s true to a certain extinct. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever reach the mountain top. Being in that valley though, is when I hear God the most. He shows me that I am not alone and that my life, as hard as it is, does have meaning. If I am meant to live in a valley to glorify God then that is what I will do. I may not see it right now but I will and that is having faith in knowing He has all the trials and things that I go through (James 1:3) under control even when my heart breaks that I don’t get to see Brent doing things that typical kids do. I want him to feel like he is apart of something. I want him to be loved by others. He understands everything you say. If people could only give him a chance and love him and treat him the way you would want to be treated, things would be different. I don’t understand why adults or children with disabilities are always looked down upon. They never asked to be the way that they are born but God chose to make them who they are for a reason. I believe for me, it is to keep me humble and grounded. Grounded in His Word and staying focused. I think as christians, we talk more than walk in the Word and not follow through with what we should do. I am guilty as charged on that as well. I can only hope and pray that by God’s grace that He cover me with His continuous love and help me to overcome the hardship of people’s reactions when it comes to Brent. Life is very hard for the disabled and the caretaker’s as well. Life is just hard period. What some do not understand is the miracles that you may see are always big but the ones that I see and parents of children with special needs see is that what may be considered very small, In our eyes, it’s BIG! In my eyes, God has allowed me to see just how BIG and it is a wonderful experience to see and watch as God unfold’s my life’s journey.
Blessings to you…..